Well, I guess the cat’s out of the bag! My road to Motherhood has begun and there are so many things I can’t wait to share with you. But first, I want to take a look back at a few things I, for some reason, feel obligated to tell. And as precursor, I’d like to say that this is my personal journey. My openness is genuine, wholehearted, and (I feel) it is relatable. My situation is not uncommon and my ultimate decisions are just as valid as others’ choices to follow the same or opposite path. There is respect and power in choice.
It was about that time of the month and I could feel it coming. My boobs were sore, I was tired and had a chronic migraine, per usual. I was busy with work and pushed through as I always do. But then it was Friday and I realized I still hadn’t started. It should have been Wednesday, but I’m not always on time.
I’d put myself through weeks of unnecessary worry in the past and learned that it just isn’t worth it. Instead, I decided to stop by the store on the way home and buy a test. The prolonged and nagging anxiety of am I or am I not is too exhausting. Ain’t nobody got time, right?! It’s much easier to just take a quick test and know it’s coming at some point and there’s nothing to worry about.
But when I got home and realized I had to pee I was suddenly nervous. I went to the bathroom and carried on with my evening like normal. Trying to assure myself that this was just a personal security measure so that I didn’t have to waste time and mental capacity over something that wasn’t even a real thing. There’s no rush. It’s obviously nothing. But I realized my efforts were a little forced. I hadn’t been so hesitant in the past about this. Why couldn’t I just relax and get it over with.
It was 9:30pm and I had been home for a few hours. I’d peed at least twice, not on the stick. I filled a glass of water and tried to tell myself that I wasn’t already convinced of something I didn’t even know for sure yet. I was just thinking about it too much!
I went to the bathroom, sat down, peeled back the foil wrapping, and pulled out the stick. I peed, replaced the cap and set the stick on the side of the bathtub next to the toilet. I watched the moisture line rise. It was moving so fast! Why was it going so fast?! I knew deep down what was coming, but it was like I wasn’t ready to know for sure yet. I was nervous.
The first line was blue… I picked up the box and looked at the illustrations on the side. I looked back at the stick. Both lines were blue now. One of them was lighter than the other though.
For a positive test :”one line may be lighter than the other”
I went to the kitchen and filled up my glass again. There was still a second test in the box. I paced my 300 square foot studio apartment and waited until I had to pee again. Finally! I rushed to the bathroom and opened up the second stick. I peed, put the cap on and set it in the same spot on the edge of the tub. I closed my eyes and walked away. The box said it took less than a minute to get a clear result. I set the timer on my phone for 60 seconds. I tried to distract myself. I wrestled with the dog, put my dinner plate in the dish washer, filled my glass of water back up and threw some dirty clothes from the floor into my hamper. I checked my phone. 13 seconds left. It was the longest, but probably the most productive minute I’d had all day.
Two blue lines.
I reread the box. And unfolded the detailed paper instructions inside. But I couldn’t rationalize it any other way. It was positive.
I sat down next to my dog and turned the TV on. I didn’t freak out. I didn’t cry. In the past I might have lost my shit right then and there, but in that moment I was oddly just fine. I can’t say I was calm, my heart was racing, but I was still.
It was as if, for once in my life, my emotions paused. My thoughts stopped. It wasn’t the end of the world, my life wasn’t over. I had options. And I knew that.
My boyfriend got home late that evening from another week of work on the road. I was excited to see him! We talked about the usual things like what happened that week, how work went and what we had planned for the weekend. We played with our dogs and laughed at stupid Facebook memes. We were just happy to be together again. I got up and sat on his lap during a pause in our conversation. Suddenly I couldn’t make eye contact. I knew I needed to tell him. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t get the words out. I could feel him looking at me intently.
He leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head as if he was relaxed. He smiled, but he was stiff.
“I think there’s something we need to talk about.” I still couldn’t look at him. I smiled nervously, but I couldn’t say it. I felt him looking at me… still.
After a few silent moments he nodded and said it for me. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
I nodded without looking up at him. He could sense my emotions rising and said immediately, “It’s okay.”
I still couldn’t cry. I felt like tears should be streaming down face, but I couldn’t make them. I wasn’t sad! He was so gentle and still smiling.
“What do you want, Sarah?”
“I don’t know,” I said as I was finally able to look up at him. His eyes were searching my face for a hint of what I was thinking.
He reassured me, “It’s okay.”
We held each other and went to bed that night without discussing much. I felted cared for, loved, and supported. I had a choice. I had a voice. And it mattered. No matter what happened I knew he was right, it WOULD be okay.
Over the next few days we laughed, cried, argued, rationalized. It was a game of back and forth. One minute we were sure and the next minute we had doubts. We raised our voices, hurt each others feelings. We were brutally honest, we communicated freely and openly.
Is the timing right? What’s realistic? In one moment we agreed and in the next we had different ideas. What’s responsible? What do we want?! How would this change our lives? What about our careers? Our friends and family? What about us? If we chose to not have this child would our relationship go on? Would I be okay? Could I handle that? Would sex be the same ever again?
There were so many things we thought about, together and as individuals. So many questions that needed to be answered. Through all of them, though, we never questioned our dedication and love nor our excitement for parenthood and the lifelong bond we would share.
After a couple weeks of back and forth we were exhausted, and still in love. Through all the tears, we were able to smile at the thought of being parents together. We understood it wouldn’t be easy, but as long as we could communicate has we had in the past few weeks; maintaining our honesty, openness and respect for one another we decided that what we wanted was okay for us to want. We would have a loved and nourished child together and do the best we can in every way possible.
So, as I walked into the heath foods store to make my first purchase as an expecting mother, I was proud. Proud because I had made a heartfelt, responsible choice. I wasn’t forced or pressured. I felt lucky, not only to have been able to conceive, but to have the opportunity to decide what was best for ME. And even further, I felt lucky to have nothing but love, support, and kindness from my soon-to-be coparent.
I took my time picking out a prenatal vitamin, reading each label and trying to sense which one felt just right. When I got home I sat down to my first cup of “mother to be” tea and thought about all that was to come.
…which I would soon discover would be crippling nausea and unending fatigue. But I wont spoil this post with all of that. :)
Until next time